Blue Moon

You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

The moon was blue tonight, and I begged for someone to hold. I shamelessly ached before You.

I barely caught just glimpses of it as it weaved in and out through the clouds. It was hard to see with the street lights on the road, too close and too bright and in the way of my view. Beautiful, beautiful blue moon. Couldn't take my eyes off of it.

I noticed the moon through my tears. Tears of longing. Tears of loneliness. Tonight I am not afraid to admit it. I hurt because I am so lonely. I hurt with a longing for someone to love and someone to love me. I hurt to have someone to hold. And tonight I will say it without shutting off my feelings with a should (as in should get all of my satisfaction from God and if I don't I must be weak in my faith). But faith is hurting. Faith is longing. Faith is feeling the lack of God's presence and believing he's still here. Faith is painfully longing for more of God's love while standing firm in the tension of what is already and what is not yet, but is to come. Faith is knowing that the God that is exists and is always there though he can't be seen is enough to satisfy. It feels good to cry. And tonight I cry for more. I cry that I cannot see the moon like I want to. That blue beautiful moon keeps hiding behind the clouds!! And every time it peaks out these stupid street lights blind my view of it.

I am angry. I am groaning. I am aching. I am waiting for my Lord.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of reality. Sometimes I could be content with being "alone" all of my life here on earth. Without a love of my own. And these moments are actually kind of exciting. I think of taking adventures with my God. I think of giving my life so unabashedly to Him, recklessly running for the prize of the joy of being in his arms.

Actually, physically in the arms of God. This is what I want now. To be held and to hold. What love exists here is only a shadow of the fullness of the love that is between God and his people. It is now and will be forever and the land of the tension of the already but not quite yet is a painful desert of faith. And my beautiful beautiful blue moon; I suppose you are an oasis. I look into this pool of water to notice not my reflection but the reflection of my God's gaze, the Suns light. Beautiful, beautiful is my God. But it still hurts...my loneliness. The pain is the glue that binds me to You tonight.

And I rest knowing that the blue moon exists somewhere behind the clouds.