Mod Podge
I searched my appartment so desperately for a pack of cigarettes the other day to satisfy my craving to be self-destructive, or, to feel better. I found everything but. I ran across old pictures and journals and all sorts of things that should have distracted me. But they did not deter me from my goal. Amazing how a craving can drive someone to disregard everything else. Beware of tunnel vision. The craving seems to haunt you until you obey. Powerlessness.
I have so many interests. When one gets old I begin another. There is always something to do halfway, but never finish of course. Why do I want to live like this? Jumping from one thing to another so that I never accomplish anything really. I am just a little bit good at a whole lot of things. Do I fear success? Responsibility? Boredom?
There's no in between, I'm walking into darkness or walking into light. Death is right in front of me. It's black or white, wrong or right; there's nothing else to be seen. Decision is inevitable and my will is weak. And as I write I fall asleepppppppzzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z
I have so many interests. When one gets old I begin another. There is always something to do halfway, but never finish of course. Why do I want to live like this? Jumping from one thing to another so that I never accomplish anything really. I am just a little bit good at a whole lot of things. Do I fear success? Responsibility? Boredom?
There's no in between, I'm walking into darkness or walking into light. Death is right in front of me. It's black or white, wrong or right; there's nothing else to be seen. Decision is inevitable and my will is weak. And as I write I fall asleepppppppzzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z
posted by Sell it to Me at 7:41 PM
3 Comments:
last night during worship an intense fear came over me about money. do the numbers add up? can i pay the bills? unlikely.. trying over and over again to fix it in my head - this was a different kind of craving. a craving for security, for control. it "drove me to disregard everything else." it was "tunnel vision." it was harder to listen to what dan was saying. it was harder to listen to what you were singing. the more i thought about it, the more anxious i got. but i had to make it better in my head. worshipping God became more and more difficult as my craving for control became more intense.
funny how cravings come in with different faces, eh? cigarettes, money. it all comes back to the middle. letting go so as to be free.
i read your blog.
Sounds like we are all striving for a little bit of freedom up in this peice. I like how you used the saying "tunnel vision". That's how I feel most of the time...I think my addiction is more emotional, but I can really relate to that super drive for that one thing that will give you instant gratification.....oh the difficulties of life. *sigh*
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