Speaking of Trust

Waiting and trusting have been the necessary actions of the last two months of my life. Everyday I wake up and I have a choice whether or not to trust my God and his power to continue to restore me to sanity. And to trust that his will for my life is better than my will for my life, daily.

Trust and Perfection

Long gone is the perspective I held when writing my last blog. And months have gone by. And much has changed. But my invisible audience is always there, ready to read whenever I decide I am ready to write.

I want to reflect on trust. To trust is to be soft and vulnerable. To trust is to believe. Trust is often preceded by faith. How can we know what/whom to trust when so many people and so many things are unpredictable? When there is so much evil in the world and so much potential for evil, how foolish to expect good? Why trust? Despite the impossibility of perfect safety among things and people of this world, we must trust, or we may miss out on some of the most valuable gifts of life. For example I do not believe love can exist without some degree of trust. Relationships cannot develop. Many things cannot be accomplished without trust. Trust is, in part, typically based on some facts/information. Blind trust we might call faith. And we often discover reasons, or facts which may form the basis of our trust through acts of faith which provide an opportunity to do so. Yet, when we have all of the facts we inevitably discover holes through which we may fall, or potentialities for the violation of trust. But to fully trust is to believe in an object of that trust, which is perfect and good and therefore and completely safe. All of the facts still leave no room for error; no holes through which one might fall; no potential for evil or trust violation. Perfection can be trusted fully. And so I cannot fully trust a human being. I may trust someone despite their potential for violation of trust, but then, for emotional/mental/spiritual survival's sake, I must simultaneously trust myself or another person or thing to catch me and support me should violation of trust become a reality. I feel the need to trust fully, ultimately, totally. To fully trust means to believe in the perfection of my object of trust. This is God and God alone.

Out of the States and into Reality

I believe I need to get out of the country at least once a year, but the past couple of years have not provided such an opportunity. So I have been aching for this trip a bit more intensely. And boy did I need it. I have been in Nicaragua for the past two weeks. I am still here now. Here now and leaving tomorrow and I have a strange ache in my stomach. An ache of longing for soon coming relief from a language barrier, strange sights, sounds and routines as well as a nervous ache as I anticipate the countercultureshock that follows even such a short trip.

And I ache with some excitement. Fresh eyes for a familiar place. And I want this fresh perspective to last forever. But I know that it won't. I need to get out of the familiar. I live in the city in which I was born. And though I love it so, I know that soon I will have to leave it. I believe I will be more effective in all my efforts somewhere else.

I will take home many things of great value; In my hands and in my heart.

Slow down girl

Slow down

It seems so many things in my day left me impatient and grumpy. Move faster! "Can't we just go a little faster please" I asked the car in front of me. I missed my class because of some insane traffic. I went to a show tonight that just went on and on without sign of an end. I hit every red light, but the kind where it is turning yellow just too soon for you to speed your way through it. I think I counted 4 times today I got stuck behind a car trying to park in front on me on a narrow road.

Waiting impatiently

What? Am I supposed to learn some lesson? develop patience? what?

And then I thought to myself, maybe these things have been so extraordinarily frustrating because I am trying to move too fast. I am always trying to move too fast and always failing to succeed. With so many things I am this way. However, in some ways it seems to be changing for the better.

I want to live out my dreams, so instead of pining away for them now I am planning for them now, even though I do not know when they will come to fruition. I want to be ready when the opportunities come.

I am in the mood to just meet people and learn about what makes them who they are. It sounds very cheesy, but I am not in a hurry, for once, to use relationships to propel me forward toward my dreams so as to make up for my lack of motivation and action on my own.

So I am generally improving in this area, however I need to remain in a place of serenity and peace. My impatience is powerful. The only way I can truly have peace is to pray and give my will up to him over and over again.

so the devil knows where I live

The devil's been at my doorstep tryin to creep in.

And it seems that a recent fall has given me better vision and focus. What do I do with this new sober view of life? I love this place of freedom after a hard fall. I know this relief. I am familiar with it. After quitting a job, getting injured during my gymnastics career, having something cancelled or a snow day for that matter. Anything that causes a pressure to be removed, even if it means a failure of sorts. I get high on this sense of clarity that comes after a serious fall.

But do I let myself fall just to get this clarity? Absolutely not, and this is a difficult concept to grab onto. "Should we sin more so that grace increase? By no means..."

Grace is available in increasing quantities regardless of the level to which I enter into sin..

Grace is free and without conditions

Get high or die trying

I can't hear someone say these words without tears quickly rising from my gut. I am gushing out rage at the enemy called addiction and those who facilitate its progression. This is now the third person I have seen die in the last year. 3 overdoses. 3 deaths. This one that died several weeks ago, however, happened to be my very favorite people. One in whom I saw such great potential. I hoped so much good for him. I enjoyed his personality. I loved his silly smile and naive questions.

He was just on the other end of the phone. He was just standing on the street corner downtown. I should have kidnapped him and thrown him into a treatment center. I should have shared more of the hope that I have.

All the "shoulds" that come along with the grieving process come together in my simple wish that he was still alive; that it wouldn't have ended this way. I remind myself that the "shoulds" are truly my grasping on to some sense of control; my final attempt at denying the reality of this tragedy. I wish that I had not stared at his motionless, lifeless face, remembering his smile.

I turn to Christ. I think of how sad it is that this one was a fatherless boy. How sad that he did not have the hope of the gospel available when it seemed there was this window of opportunity; this, however brief, moment of head above water searching, looking around with desperation for some kind of salvation.

cold lips
pale skin
escape
no more anxious breathing
Everything is quiet and calm; Did you intend to die or just kill the pain?

Majik

A dark, shaded corner of the room and the window is open. Soft breeze and the light long red curtains dance over my head for a moment and then... silence. The light of the moon is in my room and I feel like magic. I stand. Powerful reflection of this universal light. I fall back onto the bed and you catch me with your eyes...your smile and soundless movement.

So long

What power a word can hold, in a certain place, at a certain time, with the right people and the wrong motivation. One word can change everything. So I guard my tongue. So much can slip out. And scarred hearts deflect yet another attack.

I love words. I lack words. Always have. Never enough and never accurate to represent the concepts in my mind. Pictures and feelings and senses and mood.